Hate and Love
by Colorsofcandyandtea
Summary: 'I hate my big nose, my absolutely plain looking hair done up like I ripped it right out of the average haircut magazine and glued it on there, my eyes a simple brown and my skin blending in with the other's. I get good grades, yes, but so does everyone else. What makes me special'


**Hate and Love: The Despair and Hope complex.**

**XXXXXXXX**

I hate myself.

I hate my big nose, my absolutely plain looking hair done up like I ripped it right out of the average haircut magazine and glued it on there, my eyes a simple brown and my skin blending in with the other's. I get good grades, yes, but so does everyone else. What makes me special?

I stand in front of my mirror and I look at myself.

My chest is small.

I'm to thin for anyone to lust over.

My legs are simply average and my thighs aren't huge.

I crack a forced smile. It looks plain.

I rub my ears… there perfect for earrings, but I don't have any.

I have friends, but I'm always worrying and panicking if one day they'll tire of my plainness and leave me behind to rot. I'm always afraid of that. That people will notice my plainness that they won't even let me in stores that everyone I love will abandon me and I'll die old and alone.

My best friend is a rather plump man who works at a café. Whenever I drop by, he comes in and let's me sit by him and watch him work while I drink his specially made royal milk tea. I tell him of my troubles while we wash the dishes. He always knows what to say, and for that, he's the one I least worry about of leaving me.

I notice a bookstore opens nearby. With some money from my mom and some of my own I earn by doing chores, I go to buy some books. I have a project for a report on Marie Antoinette. Looking at the Self-help books, I pick one up and claim I'm buying it for a friend. It tells me of how I can start to love myself, to get rid of my anxiety of my body and ways and truly accept who I am.

It starts to works. I try to ignore my plainness and press on ward, enjoying my good grades, enjoying my friends, and enjoying my family.

One day, when I go to the bookstore, I accidently trip over my own shoes and I fall to the ground and some books crash with me. I begin to pick them up, but then I stop to read the titles.

Akagi.

81driver.

Liar Game.

I buy them, and when I read them, my life is changed forever. I take an interest in these themes, lying and gambling, manipulating and winning to get the highest goal.

Around this time, I buy another book, a photo collection of Lolita's. I flip though the book, amazed by the beauty have there dressed and impressed by the effort they put in their wigs and makeup. I'm honestly surprised that there's more then one type of Lolita. The second my hand flips to the first page, after explanation, of Gothic Lolita… I know what I must do.

I start to save up. I begin the first of my many lies, telling a manager at a store, "Yes, I am in the age requirement for this job, however; I have a stunted growth." I don't make much money at first, but when my hard work and determination raises me up the ranks, I make more and more. But it isn't enough, I need makeup, earrings, contacts, everything. So… I decide to try a hand in gambling. At first, I try it out at school. My knowledge from Manga makes me get a few easy wins, but when I start getting serious, finding an underground high school club; I fail and fail.

With each fail, I become better.

I begin to win.

And win.

And win.

I buy books of gambling techniques, and use them against those underground chumps, and they fork over cash. But not enough, not enough.

One night, I am escorted to an old building and there, I meet a man of 20-years. "Taeko Yasuhiro," He says. "I have heard of your skills. Apparently you are one of the best gambler players of your town and some say you are heading to become the best in the world. Let us see if this is true or not."

I beat him.

I beat him without trying.

With a gleeful smile he has everyone give as much as they can in their savings.

These were pros mind you, and by the time everyone had given me as much money as they could, I had accumulated over ten billion yen.

"There you go sweetheart," He says with a chuckle.

"Go buy yerself a pretty dress. You are shaping up to become the world's best gambler, my friend."

With my money, I was able to buy my dress, my makeup, my wig, everything.

My brown eyes become red.

My skin becomes as pale as the moon.

My beautiful dress hides my thin frame and the stockings hide my thin legs and I look taller.

My ears look perfect with these earrings.

And when I walk over to the plump café owner, we hugs me and tells me how beautiful I look and how proud he is of me. Guess one of his friends was in the gambling ring.

That day, I held his hand and we walked though town, and he took photos of me posing. Judging by the thousand of comments online, I guess I was really something.

While my parent's aren't thrilled, I start wearing my costume to school, where everyone cheers me on, though I do have to sit in the back row so I don't block somebody's view.

Then the worst thing happens. The plump café owner… he dies. According to his family, it was simply his time to go and ascended peacefully in his sleep. This brings me great sorrow but with time the wounds heal and I'm able to look at the café again.

These days I'm cold to others and my lies are constant. My gambling improves and my savings grow with each win. I got a nose reduction surgery. Recently I've thrown out my self-help book because I realize an important lesson.

I don't hate myself.

I hate Taeko Yasuhiro.

She's a plain nobody who worries about other's too much. Sometimes I think back to what I used to wear ((A tank top and shorts)) and I laugh because I thought that would look good on me casually. Just proved how plain and stupid my brain is when I'm her.

But I'm no longer her. She was a silly character that I scrapped.

My name is Celestia Ludenberg.

And I love myself.


End file.
